BattleWitch

Sun, 22 Aug 2004 05:09:52 GMT

Im trying to be girly. And it's not working. I'm so lost >.

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 08:52:45 GMT

My cousin Greg is basically a lost cause. I knew this would happen.

I had a fight with someone tonight over religion. I felt like an ass...I try not to be mean or attacking when I talk to people about religion and I was tonight.

Bleh, and Im lonely. Talked to Nick tonight, and he keeps on with his ridiculous contradictions.

"I still love you, I still want to be with you, but.....I want to love other people, too."

Ugh.

Happy things, happy things....think happy thoughts. Yes.

:)

MAKE SEX WITH ME?

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 12:27:28 GMT

wtf is this, not being able to sleep? I can feel my body being tired, but my brain is like FUCK OFF ERIN, YOURE STAYING UP. Every time I try to lie down, I immediately get extremely uncomfortable. Damn this heat, it doesn't make things easier.

I think I might go to Salzers tomorrow. Or today. Or whatever the fuck it is. Soon.

Fuck this war. It's ruining everything.

Fuck trying to figure out what I want to do.

Fuck it.

Fuckitfuckitfuckitfuckit

Im not in a bad mood. Just an insane one.

I need to do laundry. And then find my boots. And do something to my room. I'm going to make it look bad ass because I have nothing better to do.

Maybe I'll go swimming tonight, before it gets light out.

Not being in sunlight causes depression. I'm a fucking ghost, and I'm not depressed.

Make sex. Make sex. MAKE SEX MAKE SEX MAKE SEX.

Motherfuck this, motherfuck that, hit your mom in the head with a whiffle ball bat. Thank you, Little Nicky.

I read Shen's Statutory State story, or what there is so far of it. I'm jealous. How come I can't write like that?

I'm going to be a plain old dirty Celt for Halloween this year. Yeah. I just have to slap on some fur and some blue body paint and that's the costume. I've got the rest covered, thanks to genetics.

Swimmy time.

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 14:31:41 GMT

Last night Kelsey commented on how I never slept enough. I said I couldn't help it, that even if I were really tired and wanted to sleep for several hours, my body wouldn't let me. So, we saw The Terminal, got some food and sat at the beach, came home about two. She went right to sleep, I stayed up for another hour or so. I wake up, feeling completely awake and even a little achey, the way you get if you sleep for like...18 hours or whatever. I squint my eyes to look at the clock...it's about a quarter to seven. "DAMN!" I think, I've slept a long time. In fact, I slept the whole fucking day. I was ready to find my cell phone and call her to gloat, but in doing so, nudged my laptop awake, and I saw that it was seven in the fucking MORNING. WHAT, THE FUCK, IS THIS?! God damn it! I went and got something to drink, and lied back down, but all I could do was stare and think about things that pissed me off, things that frustrated me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Who does this? Who?!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 20:08:18 GMT

Has anyone ever seen The L Word? I'm downloading the whole first season, since it aired while I had NO tv, let alone Showtime.

I love the 90s is on tonigh, on VH1. I'm going to tape it. A bunch of other shows are gonna be on this month.....Dead Like Me, second season, starts July 25th, and that new M. Night Shyamalan show, The Village, starts on the 31st, I think. Or the 30th. There was something else....hmmm...

Oh and in October, there will be a horror channel launched. *orgasms*

I'm in California, I'm eating healthy, I'm going out and doing things, I'm seeing people. This is good. But I still miss everyone.

Tue, 25 May 2004 23:10:53 GMT

I miss Shadow. I don't know if I feel like the world is standing still or spinning too fast.

I don't know what legal shit I have to go through for Nick and I, and I've been putting off looking it up. I'll just make him do it, I guess, and sign whatever I have to.

I want to go to Ojai and lie in bed and nothing else.

I'd say I want to die, but I don't. I just want to not move and not talk and pretend like I'm dead.

How exactly am I supposed to get over this? What will that transition of sad to "ok Im getting better" be? I know I'll be fine after a while, logically, but I just keep thinking "nothingisoknothingisoknothingisok"

*sighs*

</ emo>

Thanks to Erotophilia and UncleBoris for commenting.

And thanks to Paul for giving me a chance to talk.

Tue, 25 May 2004 13:30:23 GMT

...

Nick and I have decided to annul.

Shadow was so afraid of being as sick as her father that she killed herself.

I wished and wished for change.....how stupid I have been.

I'm going back to California. Just as well. Not like anyone will miss me here.

Nick says I shouldn't be sad (both of these events happened on the 21st), but I can't understand why he would say that.

I am...sad. So goddamn sad.

Sat, 22 May 2004 07:29:31 GMT

I can't believe it. Shadow is gone.

Mon, 17 May 2004 22:06:17 GMT

Yesterday I went to the Beltane Bazaar at Moonstones and had a GREAT time. I was finally around people. I was showered with compliments, and shit...I didn't even have makeup on. I got a free massage by a pro, homemade cinnamon soap, a hand painted box, hand painted black leather Teiwaz pouch, a painting of a sad mime, a necklace with a pendent of a silver tree with a full moon on it, a phone number for a teacher of water tai chi, a guy that will take me on as an apprentice for chain mail and leather working, and a PHONE NUMBER. Her name is Diane. She's 26 and sooo cute. Nick even encouraged that I flirt with her. She was there as the PR for a charity organization called Promise of Iris. I emailed her earlier today. I'm such a nerd, I'm all excited. If anything I'm getting a new friend, and maaaaybe more. Woo! I'm hard pressed to keep from checking my email every two minutes :)

Lauren's mom wants me to come over and have wallaby somethings and mudslides this weekend. Her mom's so cute...she wanted to take me to happy hour with her and Lauren but was all sad when she found out I was only eighteen. I'm gonna see Van Helsing with Lauren eventually, too. Eeee!

John and I are going out for some food when he gets off work tonight, and on Wednesday evening we're going to see a movie.

Is this the budding of a social life I see? Yes, I think it is!

Sun, 18 Apr 2004 09:14:40 GMT

what's life like when you cant read?

Life Will Never Give You More Than You Can Bear

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 04:09:57 GMT

I've heard a lot of people say "God will never give you more than you can bear."

I like this phrase. Let's change it, to better suit myself, to "Life will never give you more than you can bear."

Is that true? It's a phrase to help people be strong during suffering, but is it really true? What of the people who "snap" and end up in a mental institution or committing suicide? Could they bear it, but were just too scared, or did Life really just give them too much to bear?

A Few of the Things I Know About Her - By Simon Moon

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 03:11:35 GMT

I know that She forever grows more lovable as I understand Her better; and that She forever grows more understandable as I love Her better.

I know that She is incarnate, a living presence, Anna Livia Plurabella, in every living creature of us, including the people I can't stand - which shows Her incredible humility and Her fantastic sense of humor.

I know that She has time and time again ravished me entirely with Her beauty, so She is the supreme artist; and I know that She forever transcends my understanding, so She is the supreme intelligence; but She is more than beauty and intelligence.

I know that She inspires the Bard who sings to me, and that he is Her priest; and that I am only the local transmitter through which he broadcasts his eternal adoration for Her.

And I know that I adore Her, my Babalon! I adore Her, my dark-eyed Nu!

And I know that it is the supreme glory of my life that She has manifested Herself to me, sometimes for hours on end, once even for two weeks; but She has manifested Herself most truly in those brief moments when I have been annihilated entirely in Her.

I know that I can lover Her best through one woman; but this is my nature, as a Capricorn, and there are other paths for other lovers of Her.

I know that, although She seems fickle and arbitrary at times, She is only so in my narrow egotistic view of things at the moment; and that I have understood Her, and lover Her, best in those moments when I accepted Her total perfection without question.

I know that She is my complement, my other Self; and that She is all the fiery intoxication that draws me out of my narrow self into eternal striving toward Her perfection.

And I know that I adore Her, my Babalon! I adore Her, my lion-loined Nu!

I know that I only know a few things about Her now, but I am luck beyond beliefe, for once I knew nothing about Her.

I know that She loves me with as fierce a passion as I lover Her; but She is promiscuous and loves all Her lovers that way.

I know that She is in the stars and between them; and in every sentient mind.

I know that all Her lovers go mad, by the judgement of this world; but this is false, for it is the world that is mand, and deranged, and besotted in grief - because it does not know Her.

And I know that I adore Her, my Babalon! I adore Her, my mother Nu!

I know that She is beyond metaphor, beyond speech, beyond thought; but She is radiantly sane and simple in Her heart.

I know that She is happiest of all, because She loves All; and She is wisest, because She is drunken in Her ecstasy of creation.

I know that She is in the dance, because She is dance; but She is in the movements of the stars and in the astronomer's equations, for She is the Mother, not the Daughter of Order.

I know that She is feared and comes as the nightmare into the minds of those who are without love; but She is forever gracious to those who sing to Her, and cry out to Her, and moan to Her, and repeat endlessly in thier hearts:

I know that I adore Her, my Babalon! I adore Her, my soft-fleshed Nu!

I know that even though my heart may sing with the ecstasy of Her, and my brain whirl with the mystery of Her, one part of me will live in misery forever, until I am entirely lost in Her.

I know that even though my heart may sink with despair, and my brain stop with confusion, one part of me will be joyfully understanding forever, because I am not truly separate from Her.

I know that She is beyond intelligence, beyond emotion, beyond intuition; I know that She is drawing me beyond intelligence, beyond emotion, beyond intuition.

I know that I am enslaved and entraptured and destroyed by Her again and again and again until my words die in my throat and I can only moan as I try to repeat:

I adore Her my Babalon! I adore Her, my hot-tongued Nu!

We're all mad here

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 21:15:03 GMT

i tend to speak in riddles, and getting a straight answer out of me is indeed a notable moment. while i may act a little crazy, i am actually quite lucid and tend to be the voice of reason. my sanity is in a good balance with my insanity.

how mad are you?

this quiz was made by piksy

Home Sweet Home? Not yet.

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 11:54:35 GMT

Ah, Pennsylvania. I've been here since the 24th but because this is the worst connection on earth, I have not been able to get on for more than five minutes until now.

I am utterly bored. I have to spend most of my time alone since Nick works all night, comes home and goes to a bookstore or the grocery store with me, and then goes to sleep until it's time to wake up again. I can't get enough of him when I'm with him, but I'm hardly ever around him. Blleeehh. So I'm all alone and shit and it's shitty. Someone come hang out with meeeeeeee.

Nick and I worked on the books last weekend. We alphabetized them by author last names, and we're keeping a record of them all. Yes I know, we're dorky as hell, but hey we had fun. We've almost got all the books done, and once they are, we buy a bookshelf or two and then put them all downstairs. I'm also in the process of cleaning our room (With the books gone there's a lot of work already done..now it's just clothes and trash), and cleaning the house in general. I'm like a psycho neat freak for some reason here. All the cat and dog hair and dust really gets to me here, so I clean clean clean like the mom from Requiem for a Dream. I get to decorate the damn house though, so that's cool.

Ugh, I guess I do only have five minutes. Nick will be calling soon to tell me how late he's going to be because of the ice on the roads.

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 02:12:12 GMT

So here I am eating the dumbest sandwich on earth. I have cranberry juice, too, and some "non hydrogenated fat" chips. God. This eating healthy business sucks ass. To make matters worse, I have McDonalds in the fridge.

I decided to start eating healthy because let's face it, I'm a chubby shit. I've never eaten healthy. When I was little, my mom and first step dad made the classic Americana dinners and fed us popscicles and ice cream and koolaid, being the Southern Californian children we were. I swear to god...they fried everything. Then when I moved to Michigan - Hello, poverty! So I basically ate nothing. I lost a shitload of weight, but I was malnourished and always hungry. Then I move here and I get whatever food I want, whenever I want. I won't lie, I took advantage of that. If I wanted pizza, I got pizza. If I wanted McDonalds breakfast, I got it. But now I'm a big tub of lard and I need to fix that. Having never eaten healthy, I'm kinda scrambling at what the fuck I should be doing. There's the obvious, like "exercise more than you eat" and "eat healthy food like vegetables and fruit", but that's gay. For one thing, I can't bounce around some sports field because a) Sports suck and b) Would anyone like to lend me some functional legs? I do exercise as much as possible...I walk until it hurts, I clean...I MOVE, ya know? I'm not a stationary piece of shit. I also don't have any eating disorder or problem or anything. I eat like a normal teenager would...when I'm hungry, and only until I don't feel hungry anymore (eating til I'm full makes my stomach sick). When I do eat, though, it's usually fast food or convenience food. I've tried on numerous occasions to change that, but my parents (read: roommates) hate healthy food, and are skinny little shits, so don't care.

So here I am, eating a turkey breast on wheat bread with lettuce sandwich, with cranberry juice. The sandwich doesn't taste bad, but what it stands for makes me want to assassinate it, goddamnit.

Kelsey went into this whole eating healthy with me business, but already gave up. I had a salad yesterday, she had cheesecake and M&Ms. Bastard. I hate cheesecake and M&Ms, but whatever, that's not the point.

This sucks fat-reducing cock. Nick is trying to be supportive, but he's not physically around. At least that will change. No one else is like "You can do this"....which isn't necessary but it'd be nice I guess.

Ridiculous.

An Opportunity Lost, Is Lost Forever

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 11:00:00 GMT

Even if I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I'm taking the chance of moving to Pennsylvania and being with someone I love very much.

Bah, ok, so we've established that I am insane.

I've been busy as hell. I really should be packing, but of course, I am not. It's not laziness, it's...well ok, it's laziness. I hate packing. Most of my spare time is spent with Kelsey, but she just started this semester on Monday, and has recently begun a relationship with a guy she's known for a while, so I doubt I will see her much these last few days.

I doubt I will see anyone, really.

You know...I wonder if my cousins know. Shit...if they don't, I'm the devil. I want to make sure Dylan has an email address before I leave, so we can keep in touch. He's turning out not half as bad as I had imagined.

My grandmother brought over pages upon pages of our family history for me to look over. She can trace our family as far back as 1066 now. Good lord.

I am still writing that damned novel (or at least, attempting to), but it's going very slow at the moment for obvious reasons. I'm always working on Sreya's project which is very daunting, but I am determined to be a part of it, even if it never fully takes off.

Ehhh...I guess I'll start throwing shit in boxes.

French Fries

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 22:04:05 GMT

I had a big breakthrough type thing last night for my novel, thanks to Nick. Hopefully it'll go a little smoother again. I also keep trying to igore the urge to go back and edit already. No editing until the first draft is done!

I leave, as I said, on the 24th. I'm really excited, but the worry is creeping in. I've been trying my best to not pay attention and to just fucking relax, but ugh....I am Erin, Master of Worries. I still need to tell people I'm leaving, but I hate doing that. I don't like long, drawn out goodbyes. They make me sad, and to be honest, they make me feel guilty, and I can't have that. Nomads can't have guilt.

My leg is being awesome, considering all factors. The swelling is almost all the way gone, and when I walk it doesn't hurt at all. The incisions are healing well, and it just FEELS better. It's hard to explain....but when you have so much crap in there that you're not supposed to...and then it gets taken out...oh god, it's paradise.

I want french fries.

Earlier the power went out and I found myself with nothing to do. I couldn't read or work on my crafts because there's a storm a-comin' outside, which killed most of the natural light. So basically I did....oh that's right, nothing. I took a shower and then just sat on the couch thinking, until suddenly my laptop's little lights started blinking again.

I can't wait to get to Michigan. I'll be going there as soon as humanly possible after I get to Pennsylvania. I need to see them!

Wed, 31 Dec 2003 16:10:13 GMT

Nikki got married on the 27th. She called me at around nine pm on the 26th and said "Hey, we're getting married tomorrow, so be up at 7:30" Ooooookie dokie. So I did, we all went to the courthouse, waited an hour for our turn, went inside a courtroom, had a nice judge guy talk for a few minutes, and that was it. It took like eight minutes in the courtroom. They're going to have a party sometime in the spring to celebrate it, sort of like a reception I guess. I won't be here, but that doesn't bug me too much. I was here for the whole getting married part.

On the 22nd I had my knee surgery. It went very well and I'm walking now without pain (as long as I don't over do it), but still limping. Still can't bend it much, but that'll all go away with a little more time. My doctor says that if that synovium stuff comes back again, I'll have to have my leg "opened", meaning instead of six small roundish scars around my knee, I will have a long line from lower thigh to the top of my shin. I really don't want that, so I'm hoping that shit doesn't come back. Fingers are crossed.

I bought my plane ticket finally a day or two ago, and I leave here on the night of the 23rd. I'll get there early on the 24th, a Saturday morning. I'm very excited, but (of course) my worry is starting to set in. I need to get a lot done before I leave. I also have to start packing stuff into boxes and I don't know where the hell to start...and once I GET there, oh it'll be insane.

Nick said he'd like to visit my parents here at least once a year. I thought that was cool, and good...it will ease the homesickness I think. I will also be only five hours away from Michigan, so being so close and having such an easy time of getting to them will ease my homesickness from there! Seems like this will work out. Here's to the gods for letting at least some of my plan work out....

I made a really kick ass tiny figure of a naked girl the other day, and I can't find her now. She had awesome detail. I even did single strands for the hair (That took fucking forever). I'll have to look for her again sometime today.

The story has been sort of on hold I guess...I'm too busy with other shit. I tried progressing a little tonight and only got two or three lines down. Ugh!

Tue, 16 Dec 2003 07:51:43 GMT

I really want to be in Michigan.

Fuck.

I know I haven't been updating lately. I've been insanely busy. I'm also extremely broke. Perfect time, eh? Right before Christmas. Garahhahrar

ERROR

Mon, 08 Dec 2003 01:33:10 GMT

Fucking....I just wrote a nice long entry and there was some sort of error while posting it. Goddamnit.

Anyway...

This morning I woke up looking like I had been brutally raped. Blood everywhere. Sometimes being a female is a pain in the ass.

I need to get some cleaning done around the house. I also need to clean off my drives so I can format. I've been lazy about getting to that.

I suppose I'll get some shit around the house done today since I don't have much else to do.

Terry liked the website I made. He's gonna come up with some specific content that he wants on it. Sweet, eh?

I need to learn flash. My skills would be insanely more efficient for a REAL job if I knew flash. I wanna go corporate baby, lol

www.alchemygothic.com is the kinda flash I wanna be able to do with relative ease.

Ugh...I don't even remember what else I wrote about. Fucking errors!

Vale

Sat, 06 Dec 2003 00:42:45 GMT

I went to Lake Elsinore for two days to spend some time with Kelsey. We went shopping, messed around at home watching movies, playing cards, and reading, and went out to eat quite a bit.

Nick had talked with me the night before I left about Kelsey possibly moving to Pennsylvania as well and staying with us. He also said that having a threesome with her and I would be incredible. Strangely, I am not jealous at all. I didn't even feel a hint of it. In the past (with other people, not with Nick), I had always been ok with it, yet still held a glimmer of worry in the back of my mind. This time, I feel none of that. I only feel turned on.

I love the way Nick compliments the way I fuck and the way I perform other sexual acts. He is being honest and genuine, and I fucking eat it up.

My stupid period finally started. It was supposed to come this week, but not until the 7th, goddamnit. I was hoping it would wait until I got home, but no, it started yesterday afternoon.

"The House of Gaian" by Anne Bishop is insofar an incredibly excellent novel, as all her others have been.

I've been busy since I got home with ridiculous Gaia shit. To be honest, I would be much more excited to do it if all the other participants at least made an effort to join in.

Tonight one of the many things I'm going to attempt getting done is getting over my block in the novel and continuing on with the storyline I have in store for it. If it comes out anything like it is in my head, I will be very proud of the finished product.

Eh, time to take a shower. I feel dirty.

Vale!

Skin

Sat, 29 Nov 2003 23:56:31 GMT

My skin is so dry, it's ridiculous. Damn Winter weather, even if I am only in Southern California. I was hoping that because of my location I wouldn't get the dry skin this year, but no such luck. I've itched my back with a back scratcher so hard and so often that I've made myself bleed. Time to slather on some more lotion after I'm done with this entry.

I have to admit, I am starting to miss snow. I hated it when I was in Michigan. It was nothing but a pain in the ass, but then I realized that I liked living in a place that snowed. I don't like that we don't get snow here. It doesn't feel...real. I feel like I am off in some remote corner of the world where reality doesn't touch upon. I know that a lot of states in the U.S. and a lot of countries don't ever get snow, but now that I've lived in a place where you do...Well, I'll be getting my snow back in January, and be sure that I'll complain about it quite a bit.

Earlier I was yet again browsing around "extreme body modification" sites and came upon body windows. These are pieces of skin that get replaced by a translucent material. That would be hugely controversial, but I'd love it if some people had that. I wouldn't get it myself since it doesn't go with my style/tastes, but I think that's a really neat idea.

My stomach is telling me that it's time to go, so....

:)

Roadbumps in a New Life

Sat, 29 Nov 2003 11:20:16 GMT

I've been playing around with Photoshop lately...I'm getting decent results. I'd like to do much better, though.

I am really anxious for Nick to get home because I need to talk to him. We argue way too much. I know a lot of it is because of stress and because we are apart, but I can't do this anymore. We need to work out a way to handle each other differently. Both of us have been acting so odd lately. We're so sensitive now, so touchy, taking everything the other says the wrong way.

I love him, and I am determined to make this work. This is just our first test. Well, maybe only my first test. I need to put my anger aside and really put effort into making things better for us.

He made some comments today that hurt my feelings a little but also (mainly) hurt my pride. He said that because of my dislike for authority, I have probably been close to being fired in all previous jobs, and that I try to undermine family members that I don't like.

In my defense, I probably have been close a few times, because I refuse to take anyone's shit. If I deserve it, then ok, I take it, but I've never let anyone yell at me or talk to me condescendingly without saying something about it. I don't try to undermine my family members that I don't like. He meant my Aunt Fawn by saying that. He said that I'm basically trying to corrupt my cousins (her kids) and am only doing it to spite her. I am not trying to corrupt them, but I am trying to get them to experience things that their sheltered lives would do good to see. Read different books, see different movies, think in new perspectives...I don't want to brainwash them, but all they've ever known is Christian stuff. The oldest of the three is fifteen, and he's starting to get into hobbies and what not, and I am encouraging them, and my Aunt Fawn hates it. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong by suggesting books or movies... I mean come on, I'm not recommeding shit that has a ton of swearing, gore, and sex in it...just stuff that most American fifteen year olds have experienced or are experiencing.

I'm going to try to tell Nick this, and if he tells me his side of the argument and I believe I am wrong, I will admit so and I will work with him on how to fix what I'm doing, because especially with my family, I don't want to be the bad person. That's extremely important. Plus I suppose it'd be good to learn how to control my temper with authority.

I love Nick with all my heart. This is how I know that we are good together....even when I am mad at him, I still want to talk to him, I still want to resolve our issues. There's and undercurrent that is complete love for him, that rushes under everything else...be it anger or sadness or whatever else.

I'm willing to put effort into me, into him...into us.

I am going to be old and decrepit with this man.

Just a quiz

Fri, 28 Nov 2003 23:00:31 GMT

You're a natural born trouble-maker. You hate
authority and do everything you can to get
around the law, or in some cases, break it.
Naturally stubborn, you hardly ever sway once a
decision is made. Your nature is fiery and
courageous, and always out-going. You love
attention and usually have kinky fetishes
you're not afraid to explore. People either
love you or hate you.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sat, 22 Nov 2003 14:01:11 GMT

I just watched Bowling for Columbine.

Damn. Just...damn.

I was already inching toward different views on things...that documentary has pushed me over the edge.

I hear some parts of Canada are nice. Norway is pretty.